The pretzel-dent’s Kool-Aid

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Grandpa?

Yes, Billy?

How did the mean orange man become pretzel-dent?

You mean president. Well, I’ve been thinking about that ever since the new president took office.

Tell me, grandpa.

OK  Billy. Once upon a time, there were people called Republicans.  About half the country belonged to the Republican Party or supported its principles.

Pinch-a-pals?

Ideas. They believed in low taxes and balanced budgets.

I get it. They were cheap. Like mommy with my allowance.

Close. They were fiscal conservatives who believed government should be small and, for better or worse, play a limited role in helping people solve their problems.

I get it. Like mommy plays a limited role in my math homework.

Exactly. They also believed that putting fewer rules on businesses would enable businesses to make more money. And if businesses made more money, they could give their employees more money.

I bet it didn’t work.

Look at you! How did you know?

When mommy got a big fat raise last month, all I got was an Otter Pop and a pat on the head.

You catch on fast. So the Republicans were fiscal conservatives. Some other people, called Democrats, had the opposite ideas about taxes, rules and the role of government in helping people with their problems.

Sounds like me and my sister on the teeter-totter.

That’s right. The teeter-totter went up and down depending on whether a Republican or a Democrat was president.  But here’s the deal. The presidents all loved their country and respected our institutions, so we survived the ups and downs without any existential threats to our democracy.

Exit-tent-all?

Sorry. We never worried  that a president would throw a tantrum about getting off the teeter totter when his turn was over.

That’s what the mean orange man did, right grandpa?  Pitched a great big fit. Like mommy when she can’t button her favorite jeans.

Worse. He tried to destroy the teeter totter.

Somebody should spank the mean orange man. Like mommy spanked me when I dipped my sister’s retainer in sriracha sauce.

Yes. But I still haven’t told you exactly how the mean orange man became pretzeldent.  I mean president.

I bet it’s a sad story.

Very. When I was about your age the Republican Party adopted the Southern Strategy. It was all about appealing to the fears and prejudices of people in certain states who got mad when a Democratic president signed a law giving black people equal rights.

Ohhh.

The Southern Strategy helped  Republicans win elections, but planted a poisonous  seed  of fear, anger and prejudice . Over the years  the seed grew and grew. When the mean orange man saw how large the seed was,  he used the poison to take over the Republican Party and get elected.

Were all Republicans angry and afraid and pretty-juiced?

You mean prejudiced. No. But most drank the mean orange man’s Kool-Aid. They told themselves God chose him and believed he would make some changes they wanted. Plus they hated the lady running against him.

I like Kool-Aid.

Not this kind. This kind blinds you. You accept lies and reject facts. You ignore the dangerous people the mean orange man attracts. You don’t recognize  that the mean orange man cares only about himself.  You  become intoxicated by the …

I know that word! In-taxi-crated! Like mommy  when …

Let’s leave mommy out of this one, OK? The mean orange man created a cult of personality. The price of membership is your integrity, the soul of your party and the survival of our democracy.

Do some people still drink the Kool-Aid?

Millions.

Why?

I don’t know, Billy. You would have to ask them.

Brad Broberg

Trump’s Top 10

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On the eve of Inauguration Day, we count down the Top 10 things Donald J. Trump did better than any other president .

10) Reminded us why we have the 25th Amendment

9) Displayed religious devotion – to golf

8) Repeatedly lost the same election

7) Threw friends under the bus

6) Made nepotism great again

5) Inspected  bunkers

4) Gave out medals

3) Spread COVID

2) Got impeached

1) Sold hats

Brad Broberg

Take the MAGA Coup quiz

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Have you ever …

1) Made a Molotov cocktail?

2)Marched with a violent mob?

3) Waved a confederate flag?

4) Brought a pitchfork to a political rally?

5) Broken into the U.S. Capitol Building?

6) Flew in a private jet to join an insurrection?

7) Taken a selfie that led to your arrest?

8) Smeared your feces on a wall?

9) Assaulted a police officer with a taser, flag pole , bear spray or fire extinguisher?

10) Stalked members of Congress with zip ties in your hands?

11) Scrawled, “Murder the media,” on a door?

12) Stole a laptop from  the Speaker of the House and tried to sell it to Russia?

13) Built a gallows on the National Mall?

14) Chanted your desire to hang the vice president?

15) Sought a pardon for any those activities because you were “caught up in the moment?”

16) Demanded – and received – organic food in jail?

17) Blamed everything on Antifa and BLM?

18) Changed the channel from Fox News to OAN?

19) Quoted Sidney Powell?

20) Voted twice for Donald Trump?

If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, seek immediate help. You may belong to a cult.

Brad Broberg

Momma! Don’t call when I’m Trumping!

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Three insurrectionists walk into a bar.

Bartender “Hey boys. Nice costumes, but Halloween is like 10 months away.”

Trumpie 1: “These aren’t costumes. They are the armor of God!“

Bsartnder: “OK. Good to know.  Where you from? Wait. Let me guess. Mom’s basement?”

Trumpie 2:  “We’re from Nunya.”

Bartender: “Huh?”

Trumpie 2  ”Nunya Bizness. “

Trumpie 3: “Hahaha. Good one, Wade.”

Trumpie 2: “Damn it, Vernon, Quit blabbin’ my name. We’re wanted men.”

Trumpie 3: “Well, seein’ as how you been wearin’ your employee badge all day … “

Trumpie 2:  “You gotta be kiddin’!  Even when I smeared my own feces on the wall?”

Trumpie 3: “Yup. By the way. What on earth did you eat last night?”

Bartender: “Aha! You’re those wing nuts from the coup – or as I like to call it Treasonstock. I must say you look every bit as ignorant in person as on TV.”

Trumpie 2: “You forgot dangerous and demented.  I still got all my zip ties, purty boy.  I have half a mind –  I’m not bragging,  I really do – to truss you up like a Thanksgiving turkey and let old Vernon here …“  

Bartender: “Whoooa. Let’s hold that thought. Hey. Who put Dueling Banjos  on the juke box?”

Trumpie 3: “ That’s my ring tone. Hello? Dang it, momma. I asked you not to call me when I’m freedoming with my friends.  No. I did not wet the bed. Again. I’m gonna wear those sheets.  OK. OK. Goodbye. Sorry, guys. Gotta go. Momma says I have to do laundry right now or she’s gonna kick me out.”

Bartender: “I hear Dixie.”

Trumpie 2:  “Hello. Dang it, momma. I asked you not to call me when I’m patrioting with my friends.  What’s that? My boss called? Said he couldn’t get a hold of me?  Guess  they was shoutin’, ‘Hang  Mike Pence,’  so loud I missed it. I’m fired? They can’t do that! I been workin’ the drive-up for 10 years.  OK. OK.  Yeah. I know. Crunchy Gorditas. Extra Ranchero Sauce. Sorry, guys. Gotta go.  I got to get me a job at another Taco Bell right now or momma’s gonna kick me out.”

Bartender: “Is that Yellow Rose of Texas? I wouldn’t answer it if I were you. Bound to be bad news.”

Trumpie 1: “Hello. Dang it, momma. I asked you not to call me when I’m doin’ treason with my friends  What’s that? Some guys in suits are at the door? They want to talk to me about my future? They might make you an accessory ,but they need to talk to me first? That’s wonderful, momma! Yes. I’’ll come home right now. You deserve some new jewelry.”

Brad Broberg