Boeing begs for a rescue rant

CHICAGO – Desperate to recover from the lengthy grounding of the 737 Max, the Boeing Co. is reaching out to President D.J. Fibberlips for help.

“We have all witnessed the benefits that come your way when the president puts you on blast. Saturday Night Live ratings are up, Christianity Today subscriptions are up and Jeff Bezos had his hottest holiday season ever – all after Fibberlips unloaded on them,” said a Boeing spokesperson. “That’s why we’re begging the president to tear us a new one.”

The decision to request the president’s “full and undivided rage” was not made lightly, but the company felt it had no choice after the Federal Aviation Administration received a new batch of “disturbing” messages between Boeing employees about the crash-prone plane, the spokesperson said.

“We need the president to do more than call us ‘the failing’ Boeing Co. if we want to turn this thing around,” said the spokesperson. “We need a fuming, red-faced, 15-flush meltdown complete with spittle, wild hand gestures and at least one nasty comment about a female’s looks.”

The spokesperson acknowledged it’s a lot to ask from a president who’s been foaming at the mouth for three exhausting years, but indicated the company is willing to do whatever it takes beyond building a jacked up airplane to make him furious.

“We’ll donate to Biden, support impeachment, hide his remote – anything to make Fibberlips flip out on us,” the spokesperson said. “I mean, It’s not like we don’t deserve it.”

Brad Broberg

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