BUSHWOOD COUNTRY CLUB – Greenkeeper and gopher hunting legend Carl Spackler has written a memoir that includes a startling account of the time former President Barrack Obama played a secret round of golf with President D.J. Fibberlips shortly after Fibberlips took office.
“I was, like, minding my own business at the ball washer – personal hygiene is very important – when I see this flabby white guy and skinny black guy roll up in an armored golf cart,” Spackler writes. “So I ask myself, ‘Carl?’ And I say, ‘What?’ And then one of my other selves says, ‘I told you those weren’t edible mushrooms.’ And that’s when I realize what I’m looking at – a remake of 48 Hours or President Obama and President Fibberlips teeing off.”
Obama: Thanks for accepting my invitation, Mr. President. I thought this would be a good way to clear the air between us without the press involved. Do you think they’ll spot us?
Fibberlips: I don’t know. Those satellite dishes on the side of your head aren’t exactly designed for stealth mode.
Obama: I could say the same about that orangutan pelt on the top of your head. Why didn’t you wear a hat?
Fibberlips: I hate wearing that MAGA hat, but you gotta do what you gotta do to get elected.
Obama: I hear ya. I told everybody I was born in America.
Fibberlips: And you got away with it. I rang that bell like Quasimodo on a Red Bull binge and you still got away with it. Amazing. AMAZING.
Obama: And now you keep saying I wiretapped you. We both know that’s not true.
Fibberlips: I wish I knew how to quit you.
Obama: Okaaay. New topic. I’ve been meaning to ask. What’s happening with repeal and replace?
Fibberlips: Health care makes my head implode and then explode. Or is it the other way around? The point is I never knew it could be so complicated.
Obama: Oh really. Then you’ll be surprised to learn the Pope is Catholic, Barry Manilow is gay and you have a second daughter. Her name is Tiffany
Fibberlips: Well pierce my nipples and call me Dennis Rodman. I totally forgot. Would I date her, you know, if I wasn’t her father?
Obama: Okaaay. New topic. What are we betting today?
Fibberlips: If I win, I’ll quit Twitter.
Obama: You can’t quit Twitter. Your brain will explode.
Fibberlips: I can and it’s too late.
Obama: Okaaay. And if I win?
Fibberlips: Won’t happen. No way. You can’t win.
Obama: Why not?
Fibberlips: Because if something happens I don’t like, I just whip out my …
Obama. Oh hell no!
Fibberlips: … Sharpie and change it. Either that or Kellyanne tweets an alternative fact.
Obama: Damn! Big Brother got nothing on you. That’s exactly what I should have done after folks figured out they couldn’t keep their doctor and wouldn’t save $2,500 on their insurance premiums.
Fibberlips: Holy Omarosa! I think fake news just spotted us.
Obama: Damn it. I can see the headlines now. Maddow Releases Trump Scorecard. Geraldo Reveals What’s Inside Obama’s Golf Bag. Trump Wins After Russian Caddy Gives Obama Wrong Club. The press won’t report on anything else for weeks.
Fibberlips: Like when I tweeted Biden eats boogers?
Obama: You tweeted that?
Fibberlips: Not yet.