WASHINGTON, D.C. – An embattled President D.J. Fibberlips is feeling relieved after a new poll suggests most Americans are solidly behind his focus on feeble flushing.
“This is a bipottysan issue,” Fibberlips said. “No matter who you think is full of it, no one wants to flush 10 or 15 times to get rid of it.”
Fibberlips wants to loosen limits on the amount of water used each time a toilet is flushed. “America is not a turd world country,” he said. “We have plenty of water. No one should have to flush more than once – twice tops — no matter how many times they go through the taco bar. This may not be the number one issue in the country, but it’s definitely number two.””
The poll, conducted by the Thomas Crapper Institute on Ethical Fecal Disposal, showed 100% support among Republicans for the president’s plan and 96% support among Democrats. However, not a single respondent – Republican or Democrat – said they had ever flushed a toilet more than five times before reaching for a plunger.
A spokesperson for the Crapper Institute could not explain where Fibberlips dug up his numbers or why he decided to crack down on low-flow loos at this time. “Maybe it’s all based on personal experience,” he said.
A spokesperson for the American Medical Medical Association speculated that perhaps the president suffers from a rare digestive disorder known as multiple traumatic flushing syndrome — a.k.a. MTFS – that can strand a person on the throne for extended periods. “Perhaps that’s where Fibberlips finds the time to tweet,” she said.
The fringe group of Democrats who oppose the president’s pooposal say they are clinging to the hope of imposing a flush tax on the top 1% of U.S. earners.
“The less water, the more flushes,” explained one. “The more flushes, the more they pay. The more they pay, the faster we wipe out wealth inequality.”