Save you not bone spurs will

9894-yoda

A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY  – Following the release of the latest Star Wars movie, “The Rise of Skywalker,” a former Democratic candidate for president is using the occasion to sound a dire warning while also providing a glimmer of hope.

“From climate change to the immigration crisis to the Conway marriage, signs of the Dark Side are everywhere, my girlfriends and boyfriends,” said Marianne Williamson, author and sorceress.  “We need a Department of Peace to guide the planets and a Department of Love to steer the stars.”

Speaking in the form of an astral projection floating high above a hemp field outside Boulder, Colo., Williamson said she put President D.J. Fibberlips in touch with several of the greatest minds in the cosmos in hopes their wisdom can hasten the president’s continuing journey through a very long adolescence.

A source deep inside the deep state — code name Deep State Throat – confirmed Fibberlips recently communicated with three paranormal life forms – which would not be unusual except that none were named Lindsey, Rudy or Mitch.

Responding to a Freedom of Information request from The Better Than Borowitz Report, the White House released a transcript of a tense Twitter exchange involving the president, Yoda, Spock and Gandalph.

Yoda @ Jedi Master

A great disturbance in the Force I detect. #lordputin?

 President  Fibberlips @ POTUS

All credit to Fibberlips should be given. #iflordputinapproves

 Yoda @ Jedi Master

Mimic me not. #funsizebutdeadly

 President  Fibberlips @ POTUS

Threaten Fibberlips you do? Deport you Fibberlips will. #greenisthenewbrown

 Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan

Fascinating. But your lack of logic is disturbing. #alsoyouruseofthirdperson

 President  Fibberlips @ POTUS

Fibberlips was told there would be no logic. And no science. #nofactcheckeither

 Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan

Fascinating. Or as a human might say, what a moron. #returnofthedotard

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Enough. Fibberlips needs a favor. Can you beam down to Ukraine and dig up dirt on the Bidens? The last guy couldn’t find bupkus. #andhesinbigtribble

 Yoda @ Jedi Master

Corrupt you are. Impeached you will be. #nancyismypadawan

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

At least my teeth aren’t falling out of my mouth. #chewbaccaonthat!

Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan

Fastenating. #seewhatididthere?

President  Fibberlips @ POTUS

This is out of control. And believe me, FIBBERLIPS KNOWS OUT OF CONTROL. First Yoda … then Spock … who’s piling on next, Gandalf? #whitewizardslovepotus

 Gandalf @ Middle Earth

Whenever the Dark Side threatens or Klingons violate the neutral zone or Greta Thunberg needs backup, we return. #dontmakeuscallharrypotter

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Who’s Gollum in this meshugana metaphor? #stephenmiller?

 Gandalf @ Middle Earth

Rudy Giuliani. #separatedatbirth

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

OK, so who’s Captain Kirk? Fibberlips does the best Captain Kirk. THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING. BRING ME THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL. #makemiddlearthgreatagain

Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan

Illogical. Or as George W. Bush said after your inaugural speech, that was some weird shit. #nowonderheflushes15times

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

My flushes are perfect. They are BETTER THAN PERFECT. THEY ARE EPIC. AWESOME. PHENOMENAL. AND THEY SMELL LIKE ROSES. #maytheforcebewithmememe

Yoda @ Jedi Master

Ridiculous Fibberlips is. Chill Fibberlips should. Work on his anger management Fibberlips must.  #wackyasawookieeoncrack

Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan

I suggest attending a good old-fashioned movie with a friend.  #thejerk

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

They’re all in jail you pointy-eared hobgoblin! #vulcanisashitholeplanet

Brad Broberg

 

 

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