A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY – Following the release of the latest Star Wars movie, “The Rise of Skywalker,” a former Democratic candidate for president is using the occasion to sound a dire warning while also providing a glimmer of hope.
“From climate change to the immigration crisis to the Conway marriage, signs of the Dark Side are everywhere, my girlfriends and boyfriends,” said Marianne Williamson, author and sorceress. “We need a Department of Peace to guide the planets and a Department of Love to steer the stars.”
Speaking in the form of an astral projection floating high above a hemp field outside Boulder, Colo., Williamson said she put President D.J. Fibberlips in touch with several of the greatest minds in the cosmos in hopes their wisdom can hasten the president’s continuing journey through a very long adolescence.
A source deep inside the deep state — code name Deep State Throat – confirmed Fibberlips recently communicated with three paranormal life forms – which would not be unusual except that none were named Lindsey, Rudy or Mitch.
Responding to a Freedom of Information request from The Better Than Borowitz Report, the White House released a transcript of a tense Twitter exchange involving the president, Yoda, Spock and Gandalph.
Yoda @ Jedi Master
A great disturbance in the Force I detect. #lordputin?
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
All credit to Fibberlips should be given. #iflordputinapproves
Yoda @ Jedi Master
Mimic me not. #funsizebutdeadly
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
Threaten Fibberlips you do? Deport you Fibberlips will. #greenisthenewbrown
Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan
Fascinating. But your lack of logic is disturbing. #alsoyouruseofthirdperson
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
Fibberlips was told there would be no logic. And no science. #nofactcheckeither
Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan
Fascinating. Or as a human might say, what a moron. #returnofthedotard
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
Enough. Fibberlips needs a favor. Can you beam down to Ukraine and dig up dirt on the Bidens? The last guy couldn’t find bupkus. #andhesinbigtribble
Yoda @ Jedi Master
Corrupt you are. Impeached you will be. #nancyismypadawan
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
At least my teeth aren’t falling out of my mouth. #chewbaccaonthat!
Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan
Fastenating. #seewhatididthere?
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
This is out of control. And believe me, FIBBERLIPS KNOWS OUT OF CONTROL. First Yoda … then Spock … who’s piling on next, Gandalf? #whitewizardslovepotus
Gandalf @ Middle Earth
Whenever the Dark Side threatens or Klingons violate the neutral zone or Greta Thunberg needs backup, we return. #dontmakeuscallharrypotter
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
Who’s Gollum in this meshugana metaphor? #stephenmiller?
Gandalf @ Middle Earth
Rudy Giuliani. #separatedatbirth
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
OK, so who’s Captain Kirk? Fibberlips does the best Captain Kirk. THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING. BRING ME THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL. #makemiddlearthgreatagain
Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan
Illogical. Or as George W. Bush said after your inaugural speech, that was some weird shit. #nowonderheflushes15times
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
My flushes are perfect. They are BETTER THAN PERFECT. THEY ARE EPIC. AWESOME. PHENOMENAL. AND THEY SMELL LIKE ROSES. #maytheforcebewithmememe
Yoda @ Jedi Master
Ridiculous Fibberlips is. Chill Fibberlips should. Work on his anger management Fibberlips must. #wackyasawookieeoncrack
Spock @ Straight Outta Vulcan
I suggest attending a good old-fashioned movie with a friend. #thejerk
President Fibberlips @ POTUS
They’re all in jail you pointy-eared hobgoblin! #vulcanisashitholeplanet
The Better Than Borowitz Report 