BREAKING NEWS – On the verge of finally sending articles of impeachment to the Senate via an Uber Eats delivery of Impossible Burgers, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Devil In A Blue Dress) is having second thoughts after Free Range Rudy Giuliani begged her to hold off until he can convince President D.J. Fibberlips to add him to his defense team.
Giuliani, former mayor of New York, is the president’s personal attorney and most skilled double-talker. “The president knows he can count on me,” Giuliani said. “I’ll say anything and then I’ll say I didn’t say it. In fact, I didn’t say any of this. If you say I did, I’ll say I didn’t. And then I’ll say it again.”
Citing his leadership after 9/11, Pelosi said the nation owes Free Range Rudy a great debt. “He deserves another chance to be a hero,” she said. “We are willing to drop our demand for additional witnesses and documents during the Senate trial if Free Range Rudy is allowed to provide the president with the kind of self-incriminating defense he deserves.”
Sources say Fibberlips is open to having Free Range Rudy join his defense team, but the team’s lead attorneys, Pat Cipollone and Jay Sekulow, threatened to duct tape Giuliani to a drone if he comes within a mile of the proceedings.