TBTBR NEWSROOM – CNN and FOX News announced they are collaborating on a new show that will balance CNN’s critical coverage of President D.J. Fibberlips with FOX’s slobbering adulation.
The two networks have already produced a pilot and signed major sponsors, including Adderall, Palm Beach Tan and the Flush-Plus Rapid Fire Toilet – delivers 15 flushes in 15 seconds or your money back.
TBTBR obtained a tape of the pilot. Here’s the transcript.
Don : Hello. I’m Don Lemon.
Sean: And I’m Sean Hannity.
Don: Welcome to …
Sean: … Headlines and Punchlines.
Don: Our top story . The impeachment trial of President D.J. Fibberlips is underway in the U.S. Senate as Supreme Court Justice John Roberts led a swearing-in ceremony where cameras caught Republicans crossing their fingers behind their backs as they pledged to render impartial justice.
Sean: In related news, the first of 30 pens that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi used to sign the articles of impeachment is now up for auction on eBay. Proceeds will fund reparations for Cory Booker donors.
Don: Breaking news. Free Range Rudy Giuliani associate and central figure in the Ukraine scandal Lev Parnas just told multiple news outlets, “President D.J. Fibberlips knew exactly what was going on.”
Sean: Lies. All lies. I’ve interviewed Fibberlips many times and he absolutely does not know what’s going on – now or ever.
Don: You would know. In entertainment news, Discovery Channel has postponed filming the latest episode of “Celebrity Naked and Afraid.” The network signed Ann Coulter as the female celebrity months ago, but after scouring the country, producers could not find a single man willing to join her …
Sean: …except, of course, Anthony Weiner. In business news, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer announced they will become partners after they leave office. They plan to open a whine shop specializing in sour grapes. Don?
Don: Tiffany Fibberlips, daughter of President D.J. Fibberlips, has announced her engagement to rapper Lil Yachty. In related news, President Trump announced Mr. Yachty is on the short list to lead the new Small Boat Administration. Sean?
Sean: You wanna play? Let’s play. Highly placed sources say Democrats have hired the same person who forged Barrack Obama’s birth certificate to forge a birth certificate for Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau – all in preparation for the 2020 election. Said one leading Democrat, “What have we got to lose, eh?” Personally I wish Hillary would run again because …
She’s a ratings, ratings, ratings machine
Watch her melt down, watch me cash in
Sean: Back to you, Don.
Don: That’s a tough act to follow but …
Please allow me to introduce myself
My name is Fibber-lips
I’ve been around for three long years
I miss my old life, but I still play golf
Don: Back to you, Sean.
Sean: You asked for it, Ted.
I like WikiLeaks
and I can’t deny,
Hillary got hacked
Don: That all you got, Sean? Watch me work.
Who’s the rich orange dick,
that’s a text machine to all the hicks? Fibberlips!
Can you dig it?
Don: Sean? Sean? Anything? OK. Back to the news. President Fibberlips three-putted the 18th hole at Pyongyang Golf and Rocket Club yesterday, thereby losing Hawaii to a “crazy fat kid” from North Korea. In a second attempt to take away the crazy fat kid’s nukes, President Fibberlips wagered California in a double-or-nothing wrestling match. Tweeted Fibberlips – who is known in the ring as Thundercrack – “What have I got to lose? Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi? California is dead to me! TOTAL CORPSE.” Sean?
Sean: I’ll miss Legoland, but otherwise, good riddance. A reminder. Join me later tonight for another Hannity Exclusive where I interview retired Col. Oliver North about Iranian missile strikes and …
Don: … totally blow off his involvement in the Iran-Contra scheme in which the U.S. secretly sold missiles to Iran in the 1980s in a failed – and illegal – attempt to free hostages and fund a right-wing militia in Nicaragua. Anything to say, Sean?
Sean: Bite me, smarty pants!
Don: No thanks. After loosening coal regulations, President Fibberlips has lifted bans on lead paint, asbestos insulation and DDT, predicting this action would add trazillions of jobs in factories, hospitals and mortuaries.
Sean: This president keeps his promises.
Don: More breaking news. President Fibberlips just sent another tweet. Quote, “Can’t find my African American,” unquote. If you see this man, the president asks that you post his location at #sorryforoutingu. If he is not found, use the same hashtag to apply to become the president’s new African American.
Sean: Haters gotta hate, don’t you, Don? Our final story: Democrats in Congress seek to ban Super Soakers. They claim the powerful squirt guns promote a culture of violence. Pathetic. Super Soakers don’t squirt people. People squirt people.
Don: I disagree, Sean. Who needs a Super Soaker when a simple water pistol will do?
Sean: You can pry my Super Soaker from my cold dead fingers, Don. Now say hello to my little friend.