WASHINGTON, D.C. – Worried that television ratings for his impeachment trial will suffer from lack of suspense, President D.J. Fibberlips announced he is adding the stars of the movie “Hustlers” to his legal defense team.
“We have to give people a reason to watch the trial even though they already know that Mitch McConnell will make sure I’m acquitted. I could personally post a reward for Joe Biden in the Kiev post office – wanted awake or asleep — and Republicans would still find a way to rationalize my misbehavior,” Fibberlips explained following a private screening of “Hustlers” – his 100th.
Led by Jennifer Lopez, the all-female, ethnically diverse and scantily clad cast will join a defense team that already includes big-name attorneys Kenneth Starr, who investigated President Bill Clinton, and Alan Dershowitz, who assisted in O.J. Simpson’s defense. “They’re great lawyers,” Fibberlips explained, “but they’re also wrinkled old white guys. I’ve already got plenty of those.”
While J-Lo and her co-stars played strippers in the movie, Fibberlips is still deciding whether they will reprise their roles on his defense team. “I need to see if I can divert money from the defense department to install poles in the Senate chambers before making a final decision,” Fibberlips said, “but whatever role they play, I just hope they don’t give Bernie Sanders another heart attack.”