WASHINGTON, D.C. – A growing number of former presidents are expressing outrage over the impeachment defense strategy announced by the legal team representing President D.J. Fibberlips.
The president’s lawyers say they will argue that abuse of power is not a criminal offense and therefore is not grounds for impeachment – a line of reasoning that would open the door for Fibberlips and future presidents to treat the Constitution the way untrained puppies treat a newspaper.
But that’s not what irritates the nation’s four former living presidents.
“This is so dad-gum unfair,” said former President George W. Bush. “All of us presidents assumed we could, you know, cross the line now and again, maybe start a war under false pretenses, but we never thought we could get away with flat out admitting we abused our power. Dang! Vice President Cheney would have loved it.”
Jimmy Carter was unusually bitter. “If I had known that abuse of power wasn’t a thing, I could have ordered, not just asked, everybody to turn down the heat, put on a sweater and drink Billy Beer,” he said.
Bill Clinton reflected on opportunities lost. “I could have tripled the budget for cigars, White House interns and dry cleaning, and nobody could have done a damn thing about it,” he said wistfully.
Barrack Obama was the only former president to take the news more or less in stride. “Sure, I would have liked to send Mitch McConnell on a fact-finding mission where the sun don’t shine, but by the end of my presidency, I ran out of power to abuse,” he said.
The Better Than Borowitz Report 