NOT THE NEWSROOM — WikiLeaks has set the internet on fire by posting an unverified but explosive e-mail thread between Hillary Clinton and her former top aide, Huma Abedin.
The exchange, which allegedly occurred a few weeks after Clinton lost the 2016 presidential election to Donald J. Fibberlips, reveals her rage over the outcome and includes harsh words about Sen. Bernie Sanders, who challenged her for the Democratic nomination in 2016 and who is running again this year.
The release of the angry thread comes on the heels of a more recent example of Clinton channeling a Disney villainess. A newly released documentary quotes Clinton saying, “Nobody likes (Bernie), nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done.” She goes on to say she won’t commit to backing him if he’s the 2020 nominee.
Clinton’s highly personal attack has sparked speculation that Sanders may be responsible for the release of the 2016 e-mail thread. Some people are claiming that Sanders purchased the thread from Lev Parnas and gave it to WikiLeaks to get revenge on Clinton for the remarks she made in the documentary.
“Ridiculous! Revenge for what? She did me a favor,” responded Sanders. “She says nobody likes me? Consider the source. She says she might not endorse me? Thank God!”
Although some have labeled the e-mail thread fake news, TBTBR decided to publish it anyway because, hey, it sounds like stuff Clinton would say.
From: Hillary:
To: Huma
The campaign ended weeks ago and I’m sober again – finally ran out of Stoli – but I still can’t believe that awful letch won.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
I keep telling you. Bill wasn’t on the ballot. You lost to Donald J. Fibberlips.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Married to one. Lost to the other. Schlonged, as Donald would say, by both. I can’t imagine feeling more embarrassed.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
I can.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Oh dear. So sorry. I’d forgotten about that wanker you married.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
You mean Weiner. His name is Weiner.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Weiner …Wanker … Weiner Wanker … whatever.
From Huma:
To: Hillary
You are a nasty woman.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
I try, but it was never enough for Bill. I’m happy to say, though, that his horndog days are over. He can barely stay awake for an entire episode of Matlock.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
Best to let sleeping horndogs lie. Or lying horndogs sleep. Whatever. Separate topic. I hate to mention this, but you always said we should have no secrets. A recent study claims you ran one of the worst presidential campaigns in years
From: Hillary
To: Huma
I lost to a con man with clown hair. How could that braying sack of donkey farts beat me? I’ll tell you how. Putin. And Bernie Sanders. How dare that commie coot challenge me in the primary? I can still smell his old person breath.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
With all due respect, loose e-mails cost you the election. Are you sure you’re sober?
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Don’t blame me, my e-mails or my Stoli. That cheap bastard George Soros didn’t hire enough protestors. That bolshevik Sanders kept pushing me left until I was on the brink of making Lenin’s birthday a national holiday. And don’t get me started on my no-name running mate. What was his name?
From: Huma
To: Hillary
Calm down. It was Senator Tim Kaine.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Senator who? Mr. Rogers wasn’t available? Sure, Mr. Rogers is dead, but it would have been worth a shot. Speaking of shots, send more Stoli. I wanna get wastey-pants and catfish James Comey.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
Not again.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Yes again. J. Edgar Loser is going to pay for that letter to Congress until the day he dies, so stop whining and send more Stoli. All this election talk is gettin’ me salty. I’m about to go full angry black woman up in here if I don’t get my Stoli on.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
Bill was the first black president, but you are not black. You are white. Chalk on Wonder Bread white. When you try to talk like a sister, you sound as genuine as a Volkswagen emissions test.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
At least I’m consistent. What does Michelle say?
From: Huma
To: Hillary
She calls you Betty Cracker.
From: Hillary
To: Huma
This is sooooo painful. I had the keys to the Oval Office in my pant suit pocket.
From: Huma
To: Hillary
That reminds me. Someone named Captain Kangaroo called. Said he wants his clothes back?
From: Hillary
To: Huma
Captain Kangaroo is DEAD! Mr. Green Jeans, too. And so is my chance to be the first female president of the United States and finally, uh, well ,uh, be the first female president of the United States. How was I to know there were so many deplorables in Donald’s bucket and losers in Bernie’s basket? I could have pretended to care about them. Kinda. And that cockamamie electoral college? Winning New York and California should be more than enough. That’s where all the celebrities live. Where’s my Stoli? Why did this happen to me? Where’s my Stoli?
The Better Than Borowitz Report 