Feelin’ the Bern

Hillary and Bernie

NOT THE NEWSROOM —  WikiLeaks has set the internet on fire by posting an unverified but explosive e-mail thread between Hillary Clinton and her former top aide, Huma Abedin.

The exchange, which allegedly occurred a few weeks after Clinton lost the 2016 presidential election to Donald J. Fibberlips, reveals her rage over the outcome and includes harsh words about Sen. Bernie Sanders, who challenged her for the Democratic nomination in 2016 and who is running again this year.

The release of the angry thread comes on the heels of a more recent example of Clinton channeling a Disney villainess. A newly released documentary quotes Clinton saying, “Nobody likes (Bernie), nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done.” She goes on to say she won’t commit to backing him if he’s the 2020 nominee.

Clinton’s highly personal attack has sparked speculation that Sanders may be responsible for the release of the 2016 e-mail thread.  Some people are claiming that Sanders purchased the thread from Lev Parnas and gave it to WikiLeaks to get revenge on Clinton for the remarks she made in the documentary.

“Ridiculous! Revenge for what? She did me a favor,” responded Sanders. “She says nobody likes me? Consider the source. She says she might not endorse me? Thank God!”

Although some have labeled the  e-mail thread fake news, TBTBR decided to publish it anyway because, hey, it sounds like stuff Clinton would say.

From: Hillary:

To: Huma

The campaign ended weeks ago and I’m sober again –  finally ran out of Stoli – but I still can’t believe that awful letch won.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

I keep telling you. Bill wasn’t on the ballot. You lost to Donald J. Fibberlips.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Married to one. Lost to the other. Schlonged, as Donald would say, by both. I can’t imagine feeling more embarrassed.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

I can.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Oh dear. So sorry. I’d forgotten about that wanker you married.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

You mean Weiner. His name is Weiner.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Weiner …Wanker … Weiner Wanker … whatever.

From Huma:

To: Hillary

You are a nasty woman.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

I try, but it was never enough for Bill. I’m happy to say, though, that his horndog days are over. He can barely stay awake for an entire episode of Matlock.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

Best to let sleeping horndogs lie. Or lying horndogs sleep. Whatever. Separate topic. I hate to mention this, but you always said we should have no secrets. A recent study claims you ran one of the worst presidential campaigns in years

From: Hillary

To: Huma

I lost to a con man with clown hair. How could that braying sack of donkey farts beat me? I’ll tell you how.  Putin.  And Bernie Sanders. How dare that commie coot  challenge me in the primary? I can still smell his old person breath.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

With all due respect, loose e-mails cost you the election. Are you sure you’re sober?

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Don’t blame me, my e-mails or my Stoli. That cheap bastard George Soros didn’t hire enough protestors. That bolshevik Sanders kept pushing me left until I was on the brink of making Lenin’s birthday a national holiday. And don’t get me started on my no-name running mate. What was his name?

From: Huma

To: Hillary

Calm down. It was Senator Tim Kaine.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Senator who? Mr. Rogers  wasn’t available? Sure, Mr. Rogers is dead, but it would have been worth a shot. Speaking of shots, send more Stoli. I wanna get wastey-pants and catfish James Comey.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

Not again.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Yes again. J. Edgar Loser is going to pay for that letter to Congress until the day he dies, so stop whining and send more Stoli. All this election talk is gettin’ me salty. I’m about to go full angry black woman up in here if I don’t get my Stoli on.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

Bill was the first black president, but you are not black. You are white. Chalk on Wonder Bread white. When you try to talk like a sister, you sound as genuine as a Volkswagen emissions test.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

At least I’m consistent. What does Michelle say?

From: Huma

To: Hillary

She calls you Betty Cracker.

From: Hillary

To: Huma

This is sooooo painful. I had the keys to the Oval Office in my pant suit pocket.

From: Huma

To: Hillary

That reminds me. Someone named Captain Kangaroo called. Said he wants his clothes back?

From: Hillary

To: Huma

Captain Kangaroo is DEAD! Mr. Green Jeans, too. And so is my chance to be the first female president of the United States and finally, uh, well ,uh, be the first female president of the United States. How was I to know there were so many deplorables in Donald’s bucket and losers in Bernie’s basket? I could have pretended to care about them. Kinda. And that cockamamie electoral college? Winning New York and California should be more than enough. That’s where all the celebrities live. Where’s my Stoli? Why did this happen to me? Where’s my Stoli?

Brad Broberg

 

 

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