NOT THE NEWSROOM — The burning question keeping America up at night is not whether President D.J. Fibberlips will be impeached. It’s whether Fibberlips is grabbing all the vagina-scented candles sold by Goop, the health and beauty business founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow.
The candles are selling so fast there is a waiting list. A source deep inside the delivery industry said 90% of the candles are being scent … check that … sent to one of three addresses – one on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan, one in Palm Beach, Fla. and one on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.
Rep. Adam Schiff said Paltrow should be subpoenaed to testify at the Fibberlips impeachment trial. “There is strong circumstantial evidence that Fibberlips is abusing his, uh, power in this matter,” Schiff said The candles, named, “This Smells Like My Vagina,” sell for $75 and are said to boast a fragrance packed with geranium, citrusy bergamot and cedar.
Fibberlips, who once boasted of being able to grab a woman’s lady bits at will, denied any knowledge of the candle deliveries. “Two words,” the president said. “Junk mail.”
The Better Than Borowitz Report 