NOT THE NEWSROOM – Emboldened by his pending acquittal over charges that he abused his power, President D.J. Fibberlips will announce a sweeping series of executive actions at his upcoming State of the Union address.
A draft of the speech – entitled Dilly Dilly — was leaked to The Better Than Borowitz Report by a source known as Deep State Throat. Written in crayon on the back of Little Debbie wrappers, the speech begins by thanking Senate Republicans for their unwavering sacrifice of personal integrity during his impeachment trial.
“Never in the history of this great country have so many minds been so closed. Tiny minds. Totally closed. And never have so many facts been ignored. You refused to see documents. You refused to call witnesses. I threatened. You disgraced yourself. Beautiful. And that is how we are going to Make America Great Again – or else.”
The speech touches on all the issues Fibberlips supporters hold dear. The president will announce tariffs on China’s export of the coronavirus, authorize a drone strike on Greta Thunberg and reaffirm his opposition to abortion except when terminating satanic pregnancies.
But that is just a prelude to the heart of the address, which will describe the president’s plan to govern like a rabid howler monkey now that Senate Republicans have made it clear that abusing power is not a thing.
Fibberlips will start by saying that he will use the royal we in all future communication be it a speech, tweet or brain fart. He will then describe specific actions that will remind everyone he’s not just crazy, now he’s king.
“We will order the CDC to redefine obesity as one pound more than whatever the royal personage happens to weigh. We will rename the White House the White Castle and add a drive-through window for faster exchange of hush money, conspiracy theories and quid pro quos And we will introduce a thoughts-and-prayers curriculum in our schools so that our children will learn that’s the only response they can expect to gun violence, climate change and the national debt.”