BREAKING NOT NEWS – A visibly shaken Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference today to announce an amendment to the Graham Rule in response to a Super Bowl performance by by Shakira and Jennifer Lopez that would make a gynecologist blush.
Established by the late evangelist Billy Graham, the rule forbids married men from being alone with an unrelated woman. Pence and his wife, Karen, are among many conservative Christians who have incorporated that rule into their marriage.
Pence’s amendment, which has been dubbed the Pence Protocol, expands the Graham Rule to forbid men from being alone while watching Super Bowl halftime shows. The amendment also requires men to avert their gaze every five seconds, think about baseball the entire time and – as a fail safe measure — relinquish control of the remote control to their wife.
“I do not propose this amendment lightly,” Pence said. “I studied a tape of the show for a thong – sorry – long time before concluding it was the most unforgettable – sorry – unforgivable display I’ve ever witnessed that wasn’t part of a dossier.”