NOT THE NEWSROOM – White House aides urged President D.J. Fibberlips to claim he was pickswizzled — even though he doesn’t drink – when he pulled a druncle at his Super Bowl party.
A blurry video shows a fidgety Fibberlips pretending to conduct the Star Spangled Banner like a fishnickled John Philip Sousa.
Sources say aides prepared a press release claiming that Fibberlips was “routed by the liquid Viking” when he ferschnickered his way through the anthem. “As everyone knows, the president abstains from alcohol, but no one told him the punch was spiked,” the statement said.
The press release was meant to excuse Fibberlips from criticism that he disrespected the flag – especially in light of his attacks on NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem.
“Americans of all political persuasions can agree there is no comparison between the commander-in-chief acting schmaggered during the anthem and a football player solemnly taking a knee,” the statement said.
Although the press release was consistent with White House policy to lie about everything, the teetotalling Fibberlips refused to release it because he’s afraid people will suspect he’s been wallybagged his entire presidency instead of just plain nuckin’ futz.