Good evening and welcome to the first Fibby Awards honoring the special performances and achievements of the Fibberlips Administration.
The Fibbies are like the Oscars, only instead of coming to you from the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood, we’re here at Dirty Donald’s Casino and Coal Mine in West Virginia.
I’m your host, Luther. I used to be President Obama’s anger translator and I’m gonna tell you right now that I am NOT happy to be here. I just need the paycheck. The producers asked Rush Limbaugh first, but he was too busy fighting lung karma, so here I am in this hillbilly bleephole.
But that’s not the only thing that bleeps me off. The producers made me read that horse bleep about “honoring special performances and achievements.” Bleep that bleep. Luther is going off script. Way. Off. Script.
Luther ain’t honoring nobody or nothing tonight. See these envelopes full of nominees for this or that? Imma rip up those envelopes like a State of the Union address and school some fools.
Anybody got a problem with that? I didn’t think so. Luther’s first award is for best performance by an inanimate object. The nominees are:
- The president’s necktie in a breeze.
- Vice President Mike Pence.
And the Fibby goes to … Mike Pence.
Luther’s next award is for best description of Fibberlips by a former member of his administration. The nominees are:
- He’s “dumb as bleep” – former economic advisor Gary Cohen.
- He’s “a bleeping moron” — former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
- He’s “like an 11-year-old child – former campaign chairman Steve Bannon.
Big Rex, c’mon down. You gettin’ a Fibby!
Y’all gonna love this one. Best original nickname for President Fibberlips. The nominees are:
- Cheeto von Tweeto.
- Sniffy McAdderall.
- Nancy’s Little Bleep.
And the winner is … Nancy’s Little Bleep.
Nancy’s been around for a minute or 10 and got the dentures to prove it. But I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t have a little thing for her. The way she gets over on Fibberlips puts a smile on my face every time. The next award is for Nancy’s most calculicious move.
- Clapping back at the 2019 State of the Union.
- Pointing at a 2019 meeting between Congressional leaders and the president.
- Shredding the president’s speech at the 2020 State of the Union.
I gotta go with the clapback. Her smirk stole my heart.
Moving on. Luther’s next category is Fibberlips phrases of two words or less. He’s said them all a million times:
- Fake news.
- Chinese hoax.
- Yes, Vladimir.
And the award goes to … Yes, Vladimir.
You like foreign films? Me, too. This year’s nominees:
- “The Day The Wall Blew Over” – Mexico.
- “Rudy and Lev’s Excellent Adventure” – Ukraine.
- “The Dumpster Fire Down Below” – Canada.
I’d give ’em all Fibbies if I could, but the winner is … “Rudy and Lev’s Excellent Adventure.”
Luther loves special effects. These three are specialicous:
- The president’s tan line.
- The president’s comb over.
- The president’s “mushroom.”
Hmmm. Tough choice, but Imma take Stormy’s word. The Fibby goes to the mushroom, sight unseen, cuz nobody could unsee that sight.
A whole lotta people deserve this next award – outstanding achievement in enabling by a Republican Senator based on comments made after acquitting Fibberlips. Luther went through half a bottle of Hennessy before finally narrowing the field to:
- Ted Cruz, who said all 100 senators knew Fibberlips lied when he said there was no quid pro quo.
- Susan Collins, who said Fibberlips learned his lesson.
- Marco Rubio, who said that just because a president deserves to be impeached, doesn’t mean he should be.
And the winning loser is … Susan Collins. If the president learned any lesson at all, it’s the same one a dog learns when it gets away with bleepin’ all over the bleepin’ rug.
Time to show some love to documentaries. One of these three gets a Fibby:
- “The Art of the Squeal,” which examines the complex relationship between Fibberlips and Vladimir Putin.
- “Bleep Sweden,” which chronicles the president’s struggle to assemble an armoire from IKEA.
- “Thoughts and Prayers,” a moving message of hope from Greta Thunberg to Barron Trump.
Give it up for … “Bleep Sweden.”
OK bleepers. The category y’all been waiting for — perfect phone call of the year. The nominees are:
- President Fibberlips prodding Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate Joe and Hunter Biden.
- President Fibberlips ordering Missouri Gov. Mike Parson to put Kansas City back in Kansas where it belongs.
- President Fibberlips pleading with First Lady Melaminated Fibberlips to stop slapping his hand when he reaches for the cookie jar.
The winner is … pleading with Melaminated.
That’s all I got for you bleepers. You want more? Watch the bleepin’ Oscars. Luther out.