NOT THE NEWSROOM – President D.J. Fibberlips continued to defend America against science with his comforting words – the best words — about the coronavirus epidemic.
Thoughtfully sparing the country from the burden of any proof, facts or evidence, Fibberlips reassured Americans that warm spring weather will stop the spread of the deadly bug, which originated in China.
Although the president provided no medical or scientific basis for his confidence, he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, where he spoke on a housekeeper’s borrowed cell phone with Chinese President Xi Jinping, who told him the coronavirus will run its course by April.
“The fake news media is saying President Xi mishandled his country’s early response to the virus, allowing it to spread by prioritizing secrecy instead of openly confronting it,” Fibberlips said. “Total crap! I trust whatever President Xi says. If he’s so secretive, why did he tell me that the Easter Bunny will also play a role in killing the virus?”
The Better Than Borowitz Report 