NOT A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT – Hello again. Vladimir Putin here. Remember me? Pootie was host and sponsor of Impeachment Theatre. Thank you, American peoples, for inviting me into your heads. Very comfy. I could get used to this.
You may recall from previous public service announcement that Pootie’s special friend have terrible disease. Is called chronic moronic nonsense (CMN) syndrome. Very bad disease, OK? Lots of tweeting, flushing and faceplants in bowls of Cheetos.
Pootie asked American peoples to open wallets to help friend. Pootie happy to say that millions of money poured in after trial of impeachment, but Pootie sad to say special friend now Captain of Angry Pants after intelligence officials give Adam Schiff information that eight billions of peoples already know — Pootie working like dog to help special friend.
Pootie, not just sad, though. Pootie also worried because friend not getting better. Friend recently pardoned governor who tried to sell Senate seat, gave medal to racist homophobic misogynistic radio host and told American peoples he is Wyatt Earp of whole country. Crazy, OK?
If friend not get more help for his CMN, is possible some peoples in parts of country where, how you say, airplanes fly over, will vote against friend. Is long shot, but could happen. Friend already lose support of Dirty Harry, Bronco Billy and Outlaw Josey Wales, OK?
That is why Pootie once again asking you to help his special friend by joining Pootie in supporting comrade Bernie to win nomination to run against friend.
But what if Bernie then beat special friend, you ask? Pootie say not enough weed in world to make that happen, but Pootie also have Plan B. Will tape Bernie doing hot yoga in buff with winner of 1960 Miss Siberia Tractor Factory pageant. That Is best way how to make new friends, OK?
If you don’t want to see sweaty comrade Bernie – who would? – open wallets one more time and … feel the Bern for Pootie and Pootie’s special friend!