Clash of the church ladies

NOT THE NEWSROOM — Plans are underway for a possible debate between televangelist Paula White, spiritual advisor to President D.J. Fibberlips, and Marianne Williamson, spiritual author and former presidential candidate who now endorses Bernie Sanders.

Met on the tarmac by the press after returning from another trip to The Throne Room of God, White would neither confirm nor deny that she and Williamson are getting ready to rumble over who God would prefer in the White House – Sanders or Fibberlips.


“This is all very premature,” White said. “Let’s wait and see which demonic spawn of Beelzebub ends up winning the Democratic nomination. Then we can talk about a debate. We might just ask God to turn the Democratic nominee into a pillar of salt and be done with it.”


Asked whether the idea of a debate came up during her visit with God, the prosperity gospel proponent cited a non-disclosure agreement that would send her straight to hell if she revealed any details of her conversation other than announcing an increase in the minimum donation people must send her to receive the Almighty’s blessings.


When asked if Jesus was present, White vigorously shook her head no.


“This has nothing to do with Jesus or his teachings,” she said. “I’m an Old Testament kind of girl. If there is a debate, I’ll be open carrying fire and brimstone. f I see any satanic pregnancies in the audience– metaphorical or otherwise — I will terminate them on the spot.”


Williamson couldn’t be reached for comment because she was en route to a speaking engagement in a galaxy far, far away, but a spokesperson said she is open to debating White in this dimension or any other where Fibberlips is president.

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