NOT THE NEWSROOM – As scientists race to find a vaccine for the coronavirus, sociologists are studying the coronaquences of being coronatined in your home for several weeks.
Professor Gubenheim Uberhoffer of Washington State University — because where else would a guy named Gubbenheim teach — predicts mass coronatines will have a profound influence on society going forward.
“Right now we’re all cracking jokes about stockpiling toilet paper, but the tissue issue isn’t even number two on the list of seismic disruptions coronavirus will dump on us,” Uberhoffer said.
Uberhoffer predicts that most people will emerge from coronatine morteaddicted to their phones than ever before, flooding emergency rooms with injuries sustained by people tripping on curbs, walking straight into walls and falling into deep pot holes.
Millennials may not emerge at all. “We fear they may come to the coronaclusion that they never should have left mom and dad’s basement in the first place,” Uberhoffer said.
Once peple have exhausted their viewing options on Netflix, Amazon and Hulu, Uberhoffer expects many couples to do what they’ve always done when trapped at home for a long time -=- get it on like Easter Bunnies.
Uberhoffer noted that Google has already reported an uptick in searches for handcuffs, Barry White and the Kama Sutra.
“We foresee the emergence of a Generation C – a.k.a coronials — born in late 2020 or 2021,” Uberhoffer said. “Now is the time for fertile couples to start hoarding Huggies before it’s too late.”