President Fibberlips claims that his daughter, Ivanka, created 15 million jobs.
Can that be true? Like, 15 million jobs represents 10% of the American workforce – which means if Ivanka didn’t create your job, she probably created the job of someone you know.
Wowsers! Ivanka is not only the kind of daughter a father would like to date, she’s good at governmenting.
I have to hand it to Fibberlips. He’s a proud papa whose love for his daughter knows no boundaries. And that got me thinking.
Am I a bad dad because I don’t lie about my daughter’s achievements or rave about her curves or play the nepotism card and hand her a cushy job?
Maybe I am. Time to make it up to her right here and right now — but without talking about her curves or handing her a cushy job. Actually, I’d do the cushy job thing if I could, but I can’t.
My daughter is so smart she used morse code to communicate from the womb. She’s so athletic she earned varsity letters in every sport – girls and boys. She’s so talented Beyonce pays her NOT to perform so nobody will know how much better she sings.
My daughter is so tough Rhonda Rousey refused to fight her, so kind she runs a shelter for rescue possums and so creative she invented the pile of poop emoji.
And now you know that.
The Better Than Borowitz Report 