NOT THE NEWSROOM – Inspired by a groundswell of support –from nobody ever — for adding his signature to economic stimulus checks, President Fibberlips plans to introduce a $3 bill with his face on it.
“They say there’s never been anything like it,” Fibberlips said at his latest coronavirus press briefing and traveling medicine show. “You know, people are going to, I mean, why should I have to wait until I’m dead. Am I right?”
In terms of looks, Fibberlips gives the $3 bill a 10.
“This will be the best money,” he said. “Beautiful money. Believe me. I know beautiful. I’ve been in the changing room of the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”
Trump mused that the money might be too beautiful, “Who knows?” he said. “People might not even spend it. Just hoard it. Like toilet paper. No. Wait. I never said that. Who let Kareem Yamiche Alcindor in here with her nasty questions. PBR loser!”
Besides putting his face on the bill, Fibberlips plans to replace in God We Trust with Make America Great Again, order the U.S. Mint to use orange ink instead of green and require that Cheetos be sold at exactly $3 per bag.
Once enough $3 bills have been printed, Fibberlips plans to order everyone to exchange all of their $1 bills for $3 bills – or what some are calling Fibberbucks – as a way to put more money in their pockets during a time of economic crisis.
“It’s not easy for a narcissist to convince the American people he cares more about them than himself, but I think this will do the trick,” Fibberlips said.