Hello everybody. Karson Cressley here. Some of you may know my identical cousin Carson Kressley. He’s one of the Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
I am here today in Carson’s place – he’s busy helping Don Lemon pick his outfits for summer in the Hamptons – to talk about those awful lockdown protests taking place all across the country. Hideous. Just hideous.
I understand the frustration. I really do. All of us want to go back to work. And go fishing again. But people, please. Some of you need to clean out your protest closet and update your civil disobedience wardrobe.
Camo? Really? Are you there to create political change or bag an elk? Are you stalking liberals? Planning to sneak up and sniff somebody? Wake up, people. This is the year 2020 – not 19-RAMBO.
And what’s with all the guns? That is NOT how to accessorize!
I can understand tucking a six-shooter into your trousers Sam Elliott style. That’s sexy — in a “I’m-not-scared-to-blow-my-balls-off” kind of way.
But assault rifles? Honey, if you need to strut around in public with one of those monsters, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that says, “My name is Darrell and my other gun is a derringer.”
Don’t make me spell it out.
And another thing. Why do you treat the American flag like just another bolt of cloth to turn into just another tacky T-shirt? You are supposed to wave it, not wear it. Old Glory looks beautiful flying from a flagpole, but darling, those horizontal stripes don’t do a thing for your beer belly.
I will say this. It is nice to see at least some of you wearing masks. However, I don’t think Guy Fawkes masks – he’s the fellow who plotted to blow up the House of Lords in England in 1605 – are what Dr. Fauci has in mind.
Ahhh, Dr. Fauci. The Dapper Doc. Now there’s a man who knows to dress.