NOT THE NEWSROOM – The nation’s leading authority on how to tell you ain’t black, Joe Biden, has released a checklist to help African-Americans determine what color they really are.
“Folks, the first thing you need to know is … and I should know because I do … or I did before I started talking.. and in conclusion … Obama,” Biden said during a virtual press conference from his basement.
After recovering his runaway train of thought, Biden said that a mirror is no longer an acceptable way to tell if you’re black. “When I look in the mirror, I see an old white guy. C’mon man. That’s white privilege!”
Biden, the presumptive opponent of President Fibberlips in the November election, revealed the first item on his checklist last week during an interview with black radio host Charlamagne tha God. “If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Fibberlips, then you ain’t black,” Biden said.
Although critics blasted the comment as racist, Biden dismissed the charge. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body. Look. I can prove it. The year was 19afro and … pardon me if you’ve heard this before but I haven’t … long story short … tough guy … behind the Safeway … but he didn’t know I knew he didn’t know he wasn’t really black … or was it the other way around … the point is … basketball.”
By releasing the rest of his checklist, Biden apparently thinks … well … who knows what he thinks. Oh well. Here’s the checklist. Just remember. Biden hasn’t left the basement in weeks. The formaldehyde could be messing with his head.
If your car horn plays Dixie, you ain’t black.
If you belong to the Sons of Norway, you ain’t black.
If you wear a Tom Brady jersey, you ain’t black.
If you wear a Tom Brady jersey, but only ON game day, IN the stadium, you could still be blackISH.
If you think thang is not a word , you ain’t black.
If you dance like Elaine from “Seinfeld,” you ain’t black. Or from this planet.
If you think Kim Kardashian’s butt is too big, well, moving on.
If your other ride is a Vespa, you ain’t black.
If your favorite Barry is Manilow, you ain’t black.
If your grandma crochets Confederate comforters, you ain’t black.
If you‘re from Maine, you might be black, but really? Maine?
If your nickname is Whitey, you ain’t black.
If you quote dialog from “Friends,” you ain’t black.
If you blend in at a curling match, you ain’t black.
If you’d like to see Mike Pence do The Dougie, you may or may not be black, but you are twisted.