NOT THE NEWSROOM — A new documentary detailing the first term of the Fibberlips Administration, “Total Cluster,” includes leaked audio from the first full gathering of the president’s cabinet three years ago.
Caught on a hot mic hidden in Kellyanne Conway’s cleavage by her husband George, the audio reveals the private conversation that occurred before cabinet members took turns fawning over Fibberlips in front of the television cameras.
The audio confirms what many suspected all along. The televised comments were as genuine as a hostage video.
Fibberlips: Hello everyone. Nice of me to be here. Your scripts are on the table. Our first full cabinet meeting starts in one hour. We need to rehearse before the press gets here.
Rex Tillerson: Script? Rehearse?
Fibberlips: Yes, Rex. Script. Rehearse. Is that a problem?
Tillerson: Yes. This isn’t a TV show. We need to speak freely.
Fibberlips: Are you telling me no? No one has told me no since mom made me stop grabbing my sister’s Barbie Dolls. I should fire you, Rex, but I need you. You have an enormous head. I’ll have to fire someone else. You over there. Guy with the black glasses. What’s you name?
Rick Perry: Rick Perry, sir.
Fibberlips: You’re fired, four-eyes.
Perry: But I haven’t done anything.
Fibberlips: And I want to keep it that way. Wait. Stop. I haven’t seen tears like that since I canned Gary Busey. You can stay. Anybody else want to get fired?
Gen. Mattis: What he said.
Fibberlips: Not funny. OK. Everyone please take a moment to mesmerize your lines. This is your optiontunity to espresso your admiralization for me in my own strongly beautified words that Kellyanne wrote.
Gen. Mattis: What a crock of stink pickles. You can shove this script straight up your tangerine …
Fibberlips: Down, Mad Dog! OK. Just say some yada yada about the troops and we’ll call it good. I have to fire someone, though. You over there. Guy with the great tan. What’s your name?
Ben Carson: Ben Carson, sir.
Fibberlips: You’re fired.
Carson: But I didn’t …
Fibberlips: … do anything. Which is why I won’t miss you when you’re gone. Wait. You’re my African American, aren’t you? Better stay. Not sure I can find another one on such short notice.
Carson: You got that right.
Fibberlips: OK. You’re up, Mr. Magoo. Ready for another steaming pile of humiliation? Let’s hear it.
Jeff Sessions. It’s an honor to …
Fibberlips: Keep going.
Sessions: … accept your abuse. There is nothing …
Sessions: … that I won’t …
Fibberlips: Say it!
Sessions: … swallow .
Gen. Mattis: I need a MAGA hat. NOW! I think I’m gonna puke.
Fibberlips: That is not an acceptable response.