NOT THE NEWSROOM – Inspired by events in Seattle, men across the nation are rebelling against toxic femininity by declaring their man caves autonomous zones.
“The oppressive tidying up by women must stop,” said Earl Scratchpitts Jr. of Baton Rouge, La. “When I leave a half-eaten pizza on the coffee table, I expect to find it there the next morning. Same with the remote control between the cushions. And the peanut shells on the carpet. It’s like they never heard of ambeyonce!”
Men are demanding that women remain outside all autonomous zones unless asked to respond to an emergency such as an empty beer fridge or a nacho cheese spill. Men also seek a ban on vacuuming in or near man caves without 24 hours written notice.
“They always turn the damn vacuum on at the exact moment John McClane is about to tell Hans Gruber, ‘Yippie-ki-ya yee, motherbleeper!.’ Why can’t they wait?” complained Scratchpitts.
The use of chemical agents such as scented air fresheners is strictly prohibited. “My cave, my odors,” Scratchpitts said.
Unauthorized entry is forbidden even when the room is unoccupied. “They’re sneaky, but you can always tell when they’ve been poking around because nothing – not the bottle opener, not the dental floss, not the ketchup stain – is where you left it,” Scratchpitts said.