Lee takes a knee

 

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Robert E. Lee

Mr. President. Your effort to save the memory of the Confederacy – be it in statues or military bases or tramp stamps – has not gone unnoticed.

 

President Fibberlips
General Lee? I thought you were dead. Killed at Little Big Horn.

 

Robert E. Lee
I am quite dead, but I did not die in battle. I drew my last breath at home in Virginia 150 years ago.

 

President Fibberlips
But I can see you. With my eyes. They say I have two of them. I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not a doctor. Anyway, I don’t understand how …

 

Robert E. Lee
Adderall. Take too much for too long and you start to see things. Like dead Confederates. Or an arena full of supporters. Or the inside of a bible.

 

President Fibberlips
You mean I’m hallucinating?

 

Robert E. Lee
Precisely. But do not fear. You have done it many times.

 

President Fibberlips
This is a hoax! Did Tik Tok send you?

 

Robert E. Lee
No sir. I am a genuine hallucination. Like the one you had about Mexico paying for a wall. And the coronavirus just fading away. And the size of your, ummm, hands. With all due respect, those are some dainty digits. No wonder you need all of your fingers to hold a glass of water.

 

President Fibberlips
I don’t know why I stick up for you. I prefer generals who win wars to save slavery, not lose them.

 

Robert E. Lee
Blunt, but true. We did indeed lose the war and therefore fail to save slavery. Which brings me to the reason I stand before you today.

 

President Fibberlips
I know. I know. You’re here to thank me for defending Confederate statues. It’s the least I can do. They mean a lot to some good people. And also some very, very bad ones. Meh. Either way I need the votes.

 

Robert E. Lee
You mistake my intentions, sir. I want you to support removing Confederate statues — starting with my own.

 

President Fibberlips
Put down the moonshine, old-timer. Those statues represent history.

 

Robert E. Lee
They do not. They perpetuate the myth of the Confederacy as a noble cause. Most were built long after I handed my sword to General Grant – with the biggest number coming between 1900 and the 1920s. The statues were primarily intended to sustain a culture of segregation and discrimination in the Jim Crow era. If it is history that you seek, look to books, not statues. You can easily find me there.

 

President Fibberlips
Books! Who has time for books? I tweet 100 times a day. Besides, books contain facts. Not a fan.

 

Robert E. Lee
Indeed you are not. But when you are dead – as I am – you have nothing but time. I have spent my time reflecting on the morality of my political choices.

 

President Fibberlips
Reflecting? On morality? Of political choices? I’ll bring that up at my next MAGA rally – NOT!

 

Robert E. Lee
May I continue?

 

President Fibberlips
You have one minute, Then I’m calling Ghostbusters.

 

Robert E. Lee
Very well. I understand now that my actions and the actions of my fellow Confederates – while historically significant – were morally bankrupt. We fought on the wrong side and do not deserve the hero status that a statue in the town square or a public park suggests. Removing the statues may in some small way help heal wounds for which we bear a measure of responsibility. Removing them also would be a personal kindness. All of us – myself, Stonewall Jackson, Jeff Davis – are tired of the pigeon shit.

Brad Broberg

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