BREAKING NOT NEWS – The Fibberlips campaign released surprising new poll numbers that show the president leading challenger Joe Biden on a variety of issues.
The new polling comes after Fibberlips demanded that Fox News … oops… his campaign stop asking about issues that make him look bad such as his handling of the pandemic and the police protests. Fibberlips ordered them to create a set of poll questions that would make him look good.
After staying up all night debating dozens of issues ranging from creating a Statue Defense Force to establishing diplomatic relations with Seattle, exhausted staff were finally able to settle on 10 poll questions likely to trend positive for Fibberlips.
Although the questions were unorthodox (“We really had to think outside the box to get the results Fibberlips wanted,” said one staff member), the results exceeded the president’s widest dreams – except the one where he and Vladimir Putin ride a unicorn shirtless through the surf at sunset.
Fibberlips expressed delight with the poll results in a series of squeals – oops – tweets.
“There’s never been a poll like it. Everybody says so. Such a poll. With numbers. Also percentages. Percentages! Go figure. I told my people I wanted some of those numbers with the funny symbol at the end. They did the research and told me, sir, those are called percentages. Then they told me Obama knew all about them. Obama knew. And he didn’t tell me. PERCENTAGEGATE!!! Stay tuned.”
Here are the questions and the results.
When asked who they trusted more to win a hot dog eating contest with Kim Jung Un, 93% of voters favored Fibberlips over Biden.
When asked who they trusted more for advice on applying clown makeup, 99% said Fibberlips
When asked who they would trust more to sell them a bible, 94% said Fibberlips. “You could be confident it was in mint condition – unopened, unread and unused except as a prop,” said one respondent.
When asked who they trusted more to inspect their bunker, 98% favored Fibberlips.
When asked who they trusted more to protect lawn jockeys of color, 93% said Fibberlips.
When asked whose son(s) they trusted more to defend America from rare animals in remote places, 99% said Fibberlips.
When asked who they trusted more to score a backstage pass to a teen beauty pageant, 98% said Fibberlips.
When asked who they trusted more to help them go bankrupt, 96% gave the nod to Fibberlips.
When asked who they trusted more to protect them from COVID-19, 99% said Fibberlips. “He’s totally reliable,” explained one respondent. “We just do the opposite of everything he says.”
The response to the final question was unprecedented .
.When asked who they trusted more to guarantee them they could find an empty seat at his rally, 100% said Fibberlips.
“More proof that this president cares,” said White House spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany. “And isn’t that refreshing.”