NOT THE NEWSROOM – Republican Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas recently made the case for reparations for slavery.
Cotton told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, “As the founding fathers said, (slavery) was the necessary evil upon which the union was built, but the union was built in a way, as Lincoln said, to put slavery on the course to its ultimate extinction.”
The Rev. Al Sharpton – or his doppelganger – was quick to point out the implications of the Republican senator’s statement.
“So here’s what this Republican senator is telling us: the founding fathers deliberately included slavery in their blueprint for America, but it came with some sort of expiration date. Best before 1863 or something like that. If slavery was the necessary evil required to build America, then America is rooted in whips, chains and racism. Time to recognize and compensate. Can I get an amen?”
After pondering the matter, President Fibberlips was surprisingly supportive of reparations. He put his daughter, Princess Goya, in charge of a task force to consider alternatives.
“We want to offer a can of black beans to every descendant of slaves plus a T-shirt signed by my daddy and the Republican Senator,” Princess Goya said. “It says Glad You Found Something New.”
The Better Than Borowitz Report 