They never forget — or forgive

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BREAKING NOT THE NEWS – The Republican Party faces a class action lawsuit demanding that it stop using elephants as the GOP mascot.

“Elephants used to be proud – or at least not ashamed – to be associated with the Republican Party, but we categorically oppose any further appropriation of our species by the GOP,” said lead plaintiff Shaha, an African elephant residing at the San Diego Zoo.

The suit argues that elephants have spent thousands of years forging a reputation as noble, intelligent and sensitive creatures “only to see our brand tainted by the deterioration of the Republican Party under President Fibberlips.”

Elephants accuse Republicans of defaming their character based on GOP support for President Fibberlips and his shameful positions, including but not limited to: pardoning convicted cronies, separating families at the border, tear gassing protestors to stage a photo op, referring to low-income people as a bother, ignoring possible Russian bounties on U.S. soldiers and trusting a voodoo doctor to cure COVID.

“The entire pachyderm community, captive and wild, insists that Republicans cease and desist further use of our image until such time as the GOP disavows any and all association with Fibberlips,” the lawsuit states. “Senators McConnell, Graham, Cruz, et al also must go. It will take all that plus a bleepload of peanuts before elephants will EVER consider working with Republicans again. We never forget.”


As word spread through the nation’s zoos, other animals expressed support for the lawsuit and warned Republicans against trying to use them as replacement mascots. “Don’t even think about it,” said an unnamed resident of a reptile exhibit.


When asked about their association with the Democrats, a spokesass for zoo donkeys said they remain loyal mascots, but are unsure about the future.“Right now we are actively resisting efforts by a band of howler monkeys to replace us.”

Brad Broberg

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