Hello. Honest Abe’s Honest Advice. Honest Abe here. How can I help you?
President Fibberlips? Four years and you finally call? George W. was the same way. Now he calls every week. And listens! That’s why HE gets invited to all the good funerals.
Whoa! Don’t get your Depends in a bunch. That doesn’t mean you won’t be invited to your own funeral.
Apology accepted. Now what can I do for you?
You need help with your acceptance speech? OK. I suppose I can do that. Let’s start with the optics. Where will you deliver the speech?
In Pennsylvania. Can you be more specific?
A cow pasture. OK. What else?
Statues. Cannons A lot of graves? Wait a second. Is it Gettysburg?
You THINK so? Anybody in the room KNOW so?
You don’t say. Let me give you some unsolicited advice. Dump Pence. Put Siri on the ticket.
She already said no? Alexa and Cortana, too? Why?
Here’s some more unsolicited advice. Never brag about how they let you push their buttons because you’re famous. Got it?
You’re welcome. Back to your speech. Gettysburg. I assume you are aware I made some remarks there 150 years ago. Four score and all of that?
Sure. I can wait for Siri. I’ll just read the last act of this play.
OK. You’re back. So how did you like my speech?
Complete sentences and a top hat do not make me a coastal elite. I grew up in a log cabin in Illinois for bleep’s sake.
Quit arguing with me. I did not chop down a bleeping cherry tree. I grew up in bleep bleep log cabin! Listen. Do you want my help or do you want to go with another racist rant from Stephen Goebbels? I mean Miller. Damn. They’re like twins. So who’s it going to be? Me or Joseph? I mean Stephen.
Good. Let’s get started. Rule number one. Speak from the heart. Gettysburg is hallowed ground.
Really? Okaaaaay. Plan B. The brainy approach.
No way. That’s not … get it together Abe … you can do this. Let’s see. No heart. No brain. Hmmm. I know. You could talk about the courage you showed when called to serve during Vietnam. Let the nation know you have a big swinging pair of brass …
Are you there? Are you there?
Oh well. I need to help this bum like I need a hole in the head.