BREAKING NEWS – President Fibberlips is offering additional support for the U.S. Postal Service as part of a coronavirus relief package.
The president and Congressional Democrats have been at loggerheads over the package for more than a week. Democrats insist the additional support is needed to allow the upcoming presidential election to be conducted by mail. Fibberlips insists mail-in elections are a fake, a hoax, a fraud. Take your pick.
Now the president appears willing to compromise.
“The American people need their Donny Dollars,” Fibberlips said. “So I am prepared to sign an executive order – and sign it very strongly – to revive the Pony Express as part of the relief package. Terrific animal the pony. Always wanted one. They say that explains a lot. Maybe. But I’m over it. Mostly.”
Asked where he got the idea, Fibberlips said, “I keep running into this tall skinny kid in the White House. Always moping around with Melaminated. I had a minute to kill before the chopper left for the golf course, so I decided to talk to him. Never caught his name but he said he was reading a book about the Pony Express. Like any stable genius, I put two and two together, came up with three, and here we are.”
Fibberlips put his mannequin-in-law, Jared Kushner, in charge of rounding up the ponies. “We have a pony problem that was caused by the fact that we weren’t left any ponies by the previous administration,” Fibberlips said. “The cupboards were bare. Drawers, too. No ponies. But I have tremendous confidence in Jared. He can’t wait to put on his chaps and spurs and get to work.”
The White House is still waiting for Democrats to respond, but a source said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was not impressed. “Typical Fibberlips,” she reportedly told aides. “The only thing he ever delivers is more horse bleep.”