Hello again. Don here. You might remember me from my earlier infomercials for Don & Sons Better Bunker Inspectors and Don’s Institute for Ignoring Reality.
I started those businesses after I left my old job with the federal government.
Tremendous job. I sold beans, made up nasty nicknames and blew racist dog whistles.
Hated to go, but what can I say? They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And they had handcuffs.
It was hard to leave because my old job came with a very nice house. Big AND white. My favorite color.
The good news was they continued to let me live in government housing after I was hauled away, I mean relocated.
I had to downsize, but I got so much FREE STUFF! Free food. Free clothes. Free security. And get this: FREE HEALTH CARE. It was like I died and went to Norway!
After serving, I mean spending, five years in government housing, they told me it was time to leave. Guess what? When you leave government housing, you get MORE FREE STUFF.
They gave me a life coach, an electronic ankle bracelet – in case I fall and can’t get up – and a gift card to Fantastic Sams.
That might sound like socialism, but I needed all the free stuff I could get because they took all my money.
They claimed it was their money. LIARS! It was actually, uh, your money. I was just, you know, investing it. On your behalf. In myself. On my hair. You’re welcome.
Let me say this. Starting over is hard. I started Don & Sons Better Bunker Inspectors. Failed. Then I started Don’s Institute for Ignoring Reality. Failed. Sad. So sad. But I’ll tell you something. l will NEVER stop failing.
My next venture is a new reality show called “Celebrity Super Spreader.”
Each week I will challenge a group of celebrities to break my world record – good luck with that – for spreading disease.
One week they might spread herpes. The next week dengue fever. The goal is to do whatever it takes –lick doorknobs, sneeze over the salad bar, host a herd mentality party in the Rose Garden – to infect as many Americans as possible. And infect them strongly.
The celebrity who infects the fewest people each week will be “discharged” from the show until only one celebrity remains.
The last celebrity standing will enjoy an all-inclusive stay at the fabulous Walter Reed Army Medical Center. No place like it. Not one. Complimentary steroid injections. An unlimited supply of blank paper. AND your very own limo-go-round. Wheee!