Unless you’re a newbie to this space, you know it wouldn’t be Apple Cup Week without It’s An Apple Cup Fact, Jack.
This would have been our third year of providing enthusiastically biased pregame analysis of the best rivalry in college football –THE University of Washington versus Washington State College.
But then Gov. Jay Inslee spoiled the fun by cancelling the game — all because of a so-called pandemic. What a crock of …
Hold on. Mrs. Fact Jack is trying to get my attention. Whatever it is, it can wait.
OK. Where was I? This all started months ago when Gov. Lives In Fear banned fans from the stands of all sporting events.
Does he know nothing about science? The Apple Cup was scheduled for Pullman this year, where the coronavirus would’ve died of alcohol poisoning seconds after entering the bloodstreams of 90% of the population.
Those with an underlying condition such as sobriety could’ve surrounded themselves with wasted Wazzu sorority girls. The virus would have stood as much chance of spreading as Loren Culp stands of winning a recount.
The thought of the Apple Cup being played in an empty stadium was hard to swallow, but Huskies and Cougars alike gritted our teeth and accepted this onerous infringement on our inalienable right to infect those around us while cheering our team.
But then Captain Corona went too far. He cancelled the game.
Tyranny! FYI. Mrs. Fact Jack gets goosebumps when I shout that. This one’s for you, baby. TYRANNY!!!!!!!
Hmmm. Why is she waving her arms like a referee trying to stop the clock? Probably wants me to kill a spider. Well, this is that spider’s lucky day. I have an unhinged rant to finish.
We, the people of Husky and Cougar nations, are outraged. This oppression shall not stand. Rise up! Summon the ghost of Bob Robertson. Liberate Martin Stadium!
Call the Proud Boys and release the kraken Let freedom ring and the virus run as wild as Myles Gaskin. Give me the Apple Cup or give me …
Hold on. Mrs. Fact Jack just jumped on top of my desk. Now she’s poking me with a giant foam finger.
Gov. Maskimus didn’t cancel the Apple Cup? It was the Pac-12 Conference?
I’ll believe it when I read it on Parler!
What? They not only canceled the Apple Cup, they declared it no contest?
Hmmm. That – after seven straight UW wins – I can believe!
I hope you enjoyed this COVIDiated version of It’s an Apple Cup Fact, Jack. I have more to say, but I’m holding back on the slim chance the game gets rescheduled at the end of the season.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And go Dawgs!