NOT BREAKING NEWS — A man who was pronounced dead after overdosing on Funyuns at last week’s President Fibberlips rally miraculously came back to life while being transported to the mortuary.
The man, Earl J. Scratchpitts, told reporters that he spoke with God during a brief stay in the sweet by and by.
“He’s a nice enough feller,” Scratchpitts said. “Not scary or nuthin’. His son seems like good people, too.”
After telling God how and where he “died,” Scratchpitts said he pressed the Almighty for the truth about the presidential election.
“I told him there is no way that Fibberlips lost that election. The Democrats stole it,” Scratchpitts said. “Then I asked him for the God’s honest truth because, hell, if you can’t get the God’s honest truth from God, where are you supposed to get it?”
Scratchpitts then let out a long sigh. “You know what God said? He said the results are obvious. Joe Biden won. By a lot.”
When asked for his reaction to God’s response, Scratchpitts paused. “Well,” he finally said, “there ain’t nuthin’ to say but, damn, this thing goes right to the top.”
The Better Than Borowitz Report 