A boy and his wall

Border Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of wandering aimlessly through the West Wing of the White House with his hands in his pockets and a sad look on his face, Jared Kushner has regained his swagger – or what passes for swagger in a human mannequin – thanks to a new assignment.

Kushner, son-in-law of President D.J. Fibberlips and a senior advisor to the president, is leading efforts to livestream construction of the border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. “I’ve never seen him so happy,” said one source. “And he looks so sharp in his hard hat and orange vest “

Kusnher had been heartbroken ever since Fibberlips told him he could no longer play with his best friend, Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, after the prince’s operatives murdered and dismembered dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

“Jared was inconsolable after Fibberlips told him he had to cut sever with the prince,” said the source. “They shared a passion for corruption and loved playing Risk together, although they fought like crazy over who would control Kamchatka.”

While critics contend that livestreaming wall construction is nothing more than a ruse to distract people from watching the impeachment hearings, the White House is pitching it as an informative alternative to watching grass grow and paint dry.

“We’re calling it ‘This Beautiful Wall’ and are negotiating with Bob Vila to host it,” an excited Kushner announced at a press conference. “Spoiler alert: expect a certain someone to drop in every so often and fire somebody.”

Brad Broberg

 

Warren dig alarms cave men

LOS ANGELES —  Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s dig at Mayor Pete Buttigieg over holding a fundraiser in a wine cave appears to be backfiring.

Hoping to paint Mayor Pete as beholden to billionaires, Warren blasted him for hosting a fundraiser in a wine cave “full of crystals and filled with $900-a-bottle wine.”

Delivered at the latest Democratic debate, the remark triggered outrage across the country – premoninantly among males who fear that Warren’s attack on wine caves is the first step down a slippery slope.

“She’s coming for our man caves, you wait and see,” said Earl Scratchpitts from Baton Rouge, La. “I don’t trust her one bit. She wants our recliners, our big screens, our NFL Redzone channel. Doesn’t matter if you’re liberal or conservative. If Warren gets elected, she’s gonna take it all.”

Scratchpitts urged Warren to consider the unintended consequences of a war on man caves. “Men don’t want to move the mini-fridge into the living room, hang a NASCAR poster over the mantle and fart on the good furniture, but we will,” he said.

Brad Broberg

He tweets in mysterious ways

God @ The Pearly Gates

Many thanks to Christianity Today for printing my editorial “Fibberlips Should Be Removed from Office.” So few publications accept stone tablets anymore.  #hardtoteachanoldgodnewtricks

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Since when did God start tweeting and writing editorials? Bogus. TOTALLY BOGUS. Probably a 400-lb hacker sitting on his bed. #ormorganfreeman

 God @ The Pearly Gates

No. It’s me. And yes, I wrote the editorial. Sorry about the pen name. I wanted to use my usual byline, Lord of Hosts, but St. Peter said that would be an abuse of power. #itsaconstanttemptation

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

You can’t be serious! Was it my John Dingell joke or are you still mad at me for saying I don’t seek your forgiveness?#isittoolate?

God @ The Pearly Gates

It’s never too late, but I meant every word in that editorial – especially this. “None of the president’s positives can balance the moral and political danger we face under a leader of such grossly immoral character.” #anyquestions?

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Words? OVERRATED! #andweytwohardtoospell

 God @ The Pearly Gates

This, too. “His Twitter feed alone – with its habitual string of mischaracterizations, lies, and slanders – is a near perfect example of a human being who is morally lost and confused.” #anyquestions?

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

But I’m the greatest job producer God – hey, that’s you – ever created. #andthechosen1

 God @ The Pearly Gates

When not quoting myself, I quote William Shakespeare. “Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.” #allswellthatendswell

President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Shakespeare? OVERRATED! #andovermyhead

God @ The Pearly Gates

“Thou starveling, you elfskin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stockfish!” Billy Shakespeare. What a counterpuncher! #henryiv

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Stockfish? There might be a slight resemblance. But I’m NOT a bull’s pizzle. #lockuplyin’billy

 God @ The Pearly Gates

You can’t lock up Shakespeare. He’s with me. #writingimpeachmentsonnets

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

I have one word to say. FAKE NEWS! Just like collusion, climate change & that liberal fish wrap Christianity Today. #ilikechristianswhoarentsopicky

God @ The Pearly Gates

Shooting the messenger works well for you. Your diehards eat it up like doughnuts of denial deep fried in fear and smothered in complicity sauce. #passthestubbornsprinkles

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Mmmm, doughnuts. Hold on. How do I know you’re God. Is that you, Baldwin? #extremevettingonaisle7 

God @ The Pearly Gates

This IS God. Don’t make me prove it. Ask Pharaoh how that turned out.  I should smite thee right now, but I promised Nancy first crack. #itpaystopray

 President Fibberlips @ POTUS

Unfair. TOTALLY UNFAIR. God yammers on & on & on, but I only get 140 characters? Twitter = crooked media. Attorney General Barr will lead an investig-

 God @ The Pearly Gates

It’s good to be me. #notanimpartialjuror

 Brad Broberg